Horoscopes

Aries

(March 21 to Apr 19)

You are in need of an attitude adjustment. Bum rushing the mailman and "greeting" the neighbour in a frenzy is not earning you new friends. Try offering a thoughtful introduction, such as, "Woofer, this is Diane. Diane enjoys horseback riding and romance novels. Woofer enjoys liver and rolling in stink." Much more civilized.

Taurus

(Apr 20 to May 20)

Warm hearts and cold noses collide at the dog park this spring. So wear your best smile and your heart on your collar, for between "in like a lion" and "out like a lamb," it's totally "in, like, puppy love."

Gemini

(May 21 to June 20)

Big changes are afoot, both at home and at work. You could be up for a big promotion or a change of employment. On the home front, the addition of a child or a cat could put some strain on an already tenuous relationship. Try not to pick fights. And stay out of the litter box.

Cancer

(June 21 to July 22)

Existential question: If poop is scooped in the forest and there's no one around to see it, does that still mean it was scooped? Cancer, you crave recognition for your virtue but remember that a good deed is its own reward.

Leo

(July 23 to Aug 22)

Love and a whiff of unwashed dog is in the air. Get yourself to the groomers so you can say "yes, please do come in" when opportunity comes knocking (as opposed to "RaghRaghRaghRagh" or, worse yet, silently generating the undesired response of "P.U.").

Virgo

(Aug 23 to Sept 22)

Mouthy Virgo, you have obviously never heard the words "silence is golden." There is a time for alarm barking, joy barking, and, yes, even pointless barking, but this round-the-clock yapping is doing you no favours. Like the boy who cried wolf, you may be soon known as the dog who cried woof. And no good can come of that.

Libra

(Sept 23 to Oct 22)

At heart, you're a dogooder. So why not do your heart some good with some old-fashioned volunteer work? Foster a dog. Offer to take the neighbour's under-socialized offspring on a play date. Or at least volunteer to lay off the cat a while. Consider yourself a shining example of selflessness.

Scorpio

(Oct 23 to Nov 21)

Your overzealous nature has gotten you in trouble in the past but this spring your enthusiasm is earning you nothing but props. Your tail knocks over that ugly vase from the in-laws? No harm, no foul. Those unattended leftovers you scarfed down? You're a diet saviour. For once your god-given exuberance seems to be appreciated by all. Amen!

Sagittarius

(Nov 22 to Dec 21)

Even you, the social-est of butterflies, will be daunted by spring's frenetic social schedule. Barkmitzvahs abound. Bark and whines follow up muttrimonials. It's exhausting just thinking about it. Good thing you're a party animal; a mere mutt would be unprepared for this kind of party commitment.

Capricorn

(Dec 22 to Jan 19)

Food-obsessive Capricorn, take a lesson from Fifi (darned French Poodle can eat whatever she wants): practice moderation. So pass on the whole box of diet biscuits and instead enjoy just one full-fat, super-tasty treat. Wearing a beret can't hurt, either, when attempting to deflect attention from one's midsection.

Aquarius

(Jan 20 to Feb 18)

Publishing, children, and travel are all favoured this season. That shelved autobarkography? Get on it! A game of fetch with the neighbour kid? No time like the present! That long overdue visit to the Louvre? Start working on a disguise. This is a golden time, so enjoy it.

Pisces

(Feb 19 to March 20)

You may be stepping on some toes at work in the months to come. Keep in mind there's a reason your boss calls herself Top Dog and tread carefully. Be prepared for her to claim your ideas as her own (like she thought of the all-canine roller derby staff appreciation night) or prepare to part ways.