Horoscopes
By Madame Sinkevicius
Virgo
(Aug 23 to Sept 22)
With summer behind us there will fewer days at the beach and more spent at puppy school. Prep for class with a pampering at your local spaw to get rid of all that sand in your hair and study up on your sit-stays to make honour roll in style.
Libra
(Sept 23 to Oct 22)
Dear Libra, stop sniveling over spilled kibble and move on. Life’s too short; when you live seven years in the span of one, you really don’t have time to waste contemplating every disapointment. Grab life by the tail and shake every bit of fun out of it!
Scorpio
(Oct 23 to Nov 21)
You’re one cool cat—er, dog—Scorpio, and everyone knows it. Use your persuasive power for good, not evil, and befriend that shy-guy cowering in the corner. Your pack will follow suit and make a dog’s day!
Sagittarius
(Nov 22 to Dec 21)
All you hard work is about to pay off, Sagittarius. Those long hours whiled away in the doghouse of life will wield you fame and fortune. Be loud and proud of your success—you deserve it!
Capricorn
(Dec 22 to Jan 19)
Are you ready for a shake-up? The stars have conspired to bring you a surprise, dear Capricorn, and it’ll be up to you to take it for what it’s worth, or hide with your tail between your legs. We know you’ll make the right choice!
Aquarius
(Jan 20 to Feb 18)
It’s time to take responsibility for your actions, dear Aquarius. Those toys all over the rec room and the chewed-up sofa cushion? Yeah, that was you. Come clean and relish the feeling of calm that come with an eased concious.
Pisces
(Feb 19 to March 20)
Pisces, you naughty dawg, you. Messy habits and quirky antics are charming for only so long. At some point, you have to realize obedience isn’t the end of freedom, but the beginning of a harmonious relationship with your family.
Aries
(March 21 to Apr 19)
Shying away from the spotlight aimed your way, dear Aries? It’s not just your sparkling personality drawing attention; your cute new ‘do might have something to do with it, too. Enjoy the compliments. It’s okay to revel in the attention once in awhile.
Taurus
(Apr 20 to May 20)
You’re determined, Taurus. Whether it’s winning over the loud-mouth Chi next door or sneakily pawing at the food bag til it finally gives way to an avalanche of kibble, nothing is too great a challenge. Go get ‘em!
Gemini
(May 21 to June 20)
It’s all about you. Always has been, always will be, right? Um, perhaps not. It may be time for a new mantra, Gemini. With the possibility of new pack members your future, it could be time to learn to share the spotlight. It’s not all grim tidings, though—a partner (in crime?) is not all bad.
Cancer
(June 21 to July 22)
Trial and error—that’s what life’s all about, dear Cancer. Failing doesn’t matter, it’s how you deal with the failure that counts. So forget that you couldn’t get that training hand-signal right the first time and try, try again!
Leo
(July 23 to Aug 22)
With the dog days of summer gone, playtime might be shorter, but travel is in your future. And you know what they say: a change is as good as a rest. So cheer up! The real fun’s about to begin.