A List of Things I Will Teach My Dog to Do

Jean-Luc Picard and I are going to make a lot of money. That’s because he will be the smartest dog in the world, and I will be the best trainer, and together we will tour around the world showing off.* Here’s what he will be able to do, in no particular order:

1) Jump through flaming hoops.

2) Fetch the newspaper.

3) Read the newspaper.

4) Circle stories of interest in the newspaper.

5) Smoke a bubble pipe.

6) Wear a monocle.

7) Laugh at intellectual jokes while doing #3, #4, #5 and #6 simultaneously.

8) Massage my temples.

9) Roll his eyes at reality television shows.

10) Make scrambled eggs.

11) Give high fives.

12) This.

13) This.

14) Locate and attract Justin Timberlake.

15) Make Justin Timberlake marry me.

*This is a fantasy post. But if I really wanted to, I could do it.